No More Faking It

Gay porn on the whole seems a little more advanced. Good, hard, nasty lesbian amateur is great to get you out of a self-conscious funk. Watching a skinny woman scream and squirt as a hot chubby girl whips leather across her back and twists both fists up her vagina in Bathroom Sluts (SIR, 1999) can make you drop your diet, chuck your compact and wish you had it so good.

WE LIKE IT LOUD

Eyes of Desire (Femme Productions, 1998) is directed and produced by ex-porn star Candida Royalle and it's near perfect. It's less instructional but more educational and the orgasms are off the hook. If you ever thought that female orgasms are silent, polite or dainty, Royalle proves you wrong. The porn stars in this movie cum like it's the apocalypse and it's so real you have to turn down the volume. We recommend watching the film next to a mirror and imitating Chloe's orgasm faces, then trying them out in bed once you're on the right track.

"I have been making porn for women and couples for sixteen years and women can't seem to get enough of it," says Royalle, one of the few female porn directors in the field. "Women are demanding more context in their porn," she explains. "DPs and cum shots are no longer enough."

WE LIKE IT WEIRD

"Animal Farm was the first porno I ever saw and I kind of wrote them off after that," says a New York viewing-session member we'll call Michelle. "My friend busted it out when I was eleven. It was her dad's. There was sucking off monkeys, little monkey feet wrapped around the head. Four Ecuadorians holding a donkey against the wall for better access. We were like, 'Oh my god! Holy shit! Can you believe it?' For years I kept seeing that goat's head and hearing it bleat. Every time I looked at her father I couldn't get that sound out of my head. Needless to say I didn't stay over much after that. I wish I could get my hands on that tape today though."

Our research and discussions are making it quite clear that women do not get off watching animals get fucked. The novelty makes us laugh, though. Weird pornos help alleviate the boredom and they give you great ideas. We would never have thought of the genius of smoking a cigarette out of our pussies, for example, until we saw Emmanuelle (Just Jaeckin, 1974). We also discovered that painting our bodies blue, shaving our heads and filming interpretive dances to Enya could be really hot, thanks to the film Messy Girls (Flash Films, 1995).

WE LIKE IT RETRO

The kitsch of 70s porn is proof that porn had its heyday during the era of disco, cocaine and letting your bush grow out. Deep Throat (Arrow, 1972) and The Opening of Misty Beethoven (VCA, 1976) are classics that are becoming masturbation staples for women in need of that totally fluffy, bushy and doe-eyed look from the good ol' days.

Only recently have directors started understanding that women don't want to see mustachioed mullet-laden guys with mesh tank-tops banging it out on the hood of a two-toned Camaro. We want to see ourselves on-screen in the center of the action wearing Manolo Blahniks and silk stockings while getting fucked up the ass. Unfortunately, stylized porn made especially for women is far and few between.

Films like IKU and Rape Me aren't bad, but they aren't really hardcore. As we see it, there just isn't enough porn out there to satisfy a raunchy girl's heart. We need some really creative, hot, intelligent porn featuring women like us in fashionable duds, with luscious guys, an imaginative soundtrack and massive female orgasms.

Is anyone listening?

Porn for chicks is the next big thing and if we don't see some of it soon, we're going to have to make it ourselves.