Vice Guide to Giving Head

After the overwhelming response we got from our penultimate guide to eating pussy, we felt it only fair to offer the same type of guide for putting dinks in your mouth. After interviewing piles of sluts and exactly one homo, Linda Gondelle brings you this all-encompassing guide that examines every conceivable facet of hog smoking there is.

Giving good head is an artform that I didn’t perfect until I was in my mid-twenties. Before that I was constantly bewildered, usually drunk and often left wondering why I kept getting “fired.” I had the intent, concentration and attitude, but I also had an overbite and too many wine coolers. It was high school. What did I know? Then I met Yves, the prototypical “older” boyfriend. Born and raised in Montreal, he was used to supremo suck from the “filles de roi” and this Ontario girl was going to rank. Since then I have, quote, “rocked,” “ruled,” “owned” and “paralyzed” some of the best cock this side of the Mississippi. My experience combined with epic VICE research is available for you now. Here we go!

Before you even start this discussion you have to look at your budget. You have about twenty minutes of sex chips on any given night. If you spend fifteen chips sucking him off, he’s only got five chips left for humping. We suggest saving BJs for mornings and afternoons and period week; you still want to get laid.

Your teeth don’t exist. They might as well be in a glass by the bed. Use the same principle applied when eating a super cold Popsicle with a mouthful of freshly-filled, sensitive molars. You have to make a cave with your mouth and use your tongue, upper and back palate to form a careful vacuum to keep him away from your teeth. Keep this exercise in mind throughout your entire blowjob. It’s easy to slip, especially when you’re drunk. One trick is to pull your lips over your teeth like they’re those boxing mouth guards.

The key to cock is in the focus. You must be fixated for the entire duration of your down time. Remember the concentration required to kill an ice cream cone without getting any on your blouse? Why do you think they make sex oils in all of your favorite candy/ice cream flavors? It elicits a freaky Pavlovian trance of focus and completion. Think of good head as the Great Pacifier.

We’re not talking about the half-assed licking-until-hard-then-insertion action here. That’s “lovemaking” in the whitest way. If you’re not willing to trust him and commit yourself with 100% total devotion to his penis, don’t bother. You have to worship it like you’re Indiana Jones and you’ve finally made it to the Temple of Doom. (If worshipping his cock makes you feel vulnerable it’s probably because he’s a macho asshole and you are sucking off the wrong guy.) Remember, there’s a psychosexual paradox going on here. You are giving him head and he is getting his cock sucked. You are both a slave to his dick and totally in control of it, like an actress who stars in and directs her own movies.

HEADING SOUTH

Before you break off from his mouth and head downstairs, prepare the landing pad with your hand. Horse around until it’s hard as stone. Assure him there’s going to be some heavy mouth action but don’t let it start until he’s ready to crack.

Rub, rub, rub through the pants like it’s a baby animal just about to be born. Firmly tug at the belt buckle like it’s your own. Try not to fumble too much with the belt but it’s OK to ask for his help. Don’t get fired before you’ve even taken on the job. Communication is crucial because guys have trouble refusing head no matter how bad they think you might be at it. Making sure he’s happy with how it’s going without seeming insecure is one of the hardest parts of giving head.

Extra tip: Don’t fuck up with the zipper. If you hurt his penis here it’s all over. Pull the zipper up and out, away from his penis, not straight down. Use two hands if you need to, like if he’s huge or not wearing any underwear.

Key: If he seems to be steering this ride (keeping his hands hovering over or on your head) read the road signs and ask some soft questions. Are you going too fast, hard, soft, slow? You’re not looking for a detailed map or long discussions. One or two uttered words, deep moaning yeses or ooooh mmm okay, ohhh, yeahyeahyeah, will do fine.

Extra tip: If he starts mashing your head down, don’t smack his hand away. Gently grab his wrist and place it down by his head again. Hold it there for a second as though to say “relax guy - I’ve got it.” Incidentally, where did you meet this guy?

GETTING THE BALLS ROLLING

Now somebody hasn’t received much attention up until now. Here’s where our face and hands have a bit of prep work to do. Cup and caress his balls in the hand you don’t use for writing. They can take a bit of abuse but only with your heavy wet tongue. Find his balls first with your mouth by burying your face in the space between his thighs and crotch and take one of them in your mouth and wet and spit it up. Don’t be afraid to make things wet as hell.

You’ll need your dexterous hand to complete the lock and seal around the shaft. It’s wet from your spit, too, and remember, you don’t have any teeth. This is a game you play with yourself. No teeth, I have no teeth, I only have gums and lips and tongue. No teeth.

At the base, your mouth finally meets your hand and your tongue slicks up the shaft with more hot spit. Wet hand goes down around the shaft with forefinger and thumb acting as the extension of mouth. Moan on it because everybody’s just met. Here’s the freeze frame: mouth puffed out, lips like an anus, down around the top few inches, tongue pressing the cock into an oral groove, good hand around the shaft and bad hand is rotating around the balls with slightly firm yet gentle rubs. Teeth not invited to the party.

Now that you’ve made the lock, never take your hand and mouth off or away from his cock. You’re not gobbing on it, and you’re barely hitting a rhythm. You are wetting down the penis with spitty, rhythmic foreplay to achieve the correct balance of slickness and traction. No baby kisses here; you’re all mouth and tongue and hand. The whole area should begin to feel like a wet, well-greased down, slow-moving internal combustion engine that is just gearing up.

Extra tip: At some point, lock eyes with him while your mouth is first introduced to his cock. Remember he’s filming this with his brain and may use it as masturbation fodder for years to come. You can even jerk him off for a bit. It’s a nice break for everyone and the variety keeps things interesting.

RHYTHM AND MOTION

He will instinctively begin to rock slightly. Never stop moving along with him but be a bit off so you’re undulating over his weenie slightly offbeat. It’s important at this point to make sure you avoid getting skull-fucked. Control the tempo yourself.

Your hand should form a tube like a skirt around your mouth, with your thumb and forefinger like a belt that meets your lips. Keep it well lubricated and don’t stay static. Your other fingers can fan and fold and tickle and tug as your mouth and tongue circle and bob up and down the top part. Most of the feeling is in the head of the penis so don’t waste too much time on the shaft. You’re looking for a tempo akin to “Pop Goes the Weasel” played at half-speed. Never lose the rhythm or the concentration of your mouth up and down around the tip of the penis.

By now you’re gripping the shaft gently and firmly with both good and bad hands in a dizzy of fingers and spit. Fan down and grip up, grip up and fan down. Mouth stays on over the top, deep then shallow, all the way out, all the way down. Hands have to help out the mouth. Mouth can’t do all the work.

Don’t make the goal here an orgasm. Have no expectations. This is the slick middle of giving head that gets you familiar with his rhythm and lets your mouth be the most talented pussy since your own.

Extra tip: Again, it helps to lock eyes. It reminds you of what you’re doing and who you’re doing it to. It’s an intense moment and it breaks a trance if you’ve found yourself in one. Guys can tell if you’re sucking to get it over with instead of getting him off and it hurts their feelings. A little.

Something happens between giving the blow job and the point of no return. His balls get hard and begin to disappear. Cute. You will know this because bad hand is on the job. He stiffens and arches his body toward your mouth and his moaning may get a bit more whimpery and ardent. Now everything gets a lot harder but a lot easier at the same time. Good hand is pumping a bit more penis into the mouth. Both work together, making the tempo a bit stormier but still controlled. Moaning should be almost frantic here. A vacuum begins to form between the hand and mouth, working up and down as you slightly suck in your cheeks. There’s an important distinction between sucking the shit out of it and simply making a vacuum seal out of your mouth. Vacuum is better. Sucking hard can make him convulse.

He’s so hard now that it might be difficult to take it all in, but try relaxing your throat muscles. Make a deep “ahhh” sound. Move your mouth and hand up and down with more ardor and purpose. Vary your mouth movements, but don’t lose the gentle vacuum. Use good hand to control the pumping, and keep your mouth firmly wrapped and sealed in spit around the wet cock.

THE FINISH LINE

This is it. Increase the speed of your mouth and good hand. Let him feel you pulling his orgasm right out of him. Guys, it’s OK to tell her you’re about to blow, but don’t be a rock star. Say it nice and soothing like you’re going to cry and you don’t know why. (Who’s the subordinate little puppy now?) Your hands are slickly wrapped, mouth is sucking his cock faster but with subtle undertones of a gentle coaxing. Start to make swallowing motions, press your tongue on the shaft and slightly relax your lips. Moan hard and low in anticipation of the best orgasm you’ve ever created.

Extra tip: If it’s so good you start losing him in some surreal never ending-ending, stop and let him have a wank while you lick his balls. That’s always a sure-fire way to get things back on track.

THE BLOWING OF THE LOAD

Spitting it out means like. Swallowing means love. And gargling with cum makes you look like a crazy slut that probably has STDs. Most guys don’t care about where it goes eventually, but there are some ways to keep it sexy and fun. If he’s into it, he may want to cum on your face. It’s just cum and you trust him. It has to go somewhere and it’s good for your skin. Wherever it goes, wipe it up soon. No one can relax and fall asleep when paste is hardening around them.

Extra tip: Push on his t’aint while he’s cumming.

Important: You are not going to get AIDS from swallowing. It’s safest to make sure you don’t brush your teeth right before or right after but realx. It’s fine.

Once he’s spent, he’s pretty exhausted and probably in another land. You’re not going to get him back. Keep a warm hand on top of it for a bit, like a shock blanket used by paramedics. Just lie there while he mumbles “holy shit” to himself for a few hours while you fall asleep. It’s your lullaby.

Sucking sucks if he’s soused. Nobody wants to be singing cock karaoke for 45 minutes so forget about it. Mount it and ride that sucker for all it’s worth. Oh yeah, and don’t you have more than three beers yourself. It kills your concentration.

Moaning or humming creates a subtle vibration that both shakes his dink and keeps you in the vibe. That makes a superhero out of you, girl. Half woman-half machine. Oarrrrr mmmmmmmmooommm mmm!

This is dangerous, but gently slide bad hand below and under towards his anus. If your boy doesn’t flinch, you may want to rim him with a wet finger. Guys act like they don’t like anything in their bums but most are dirty little bitches that need a good seeing to. Make sure to time it right. As his balls hide away, his back arches up and he’s just about to blow, slide it in and gently wriggle it. Be prepared to stop an avalanche of cum with your face.

If you need a break, take your tongue and travel up the back of the shaft, paying special attention to where the mushroom meets the stem and tickle there, firmly and not for too long. Then let your slicked up hands give it a bit of a wank. Gently lick and kiss the tip, releasing more spit. Give your neck a rest but don’t stop pumping.

Here’s a shocker. Break the rhythm off mid-tempo, stop and gently take the whole thing in your mouth. Softly scrape your teeth up along the shaft. This move should be reserved for the kind of guys who wear leather pants and don’t call their moms.

Circumsized guys are easier to suck off, but they’re less sensitive. Uncircumcised guys are better because you can do all kinds of tricks with the foreskin. Roll it up over the head and put it in your mouth like a sausage roll. The tricky part is the hand job. If you grip it too high up the shaft, your downstroke is going to rip it. Gripping it too low means your upstroke will feel redundant. Get him to show you exactly where to grab. A steady hold about a quarter inch below the head usually does the trick. Use your writing hand to avoid mistakes.

If you’re getting bored of the same old hog, try sucking on an Altoid or Pop Rocks or filling your mouth up with different fluids like hot chocolate and ice-cold seltzer. Blowing cool, gentle air on a wet, hard shaft, followed by a hot, tight mouth is wicked sensory overload. Also, don’t tell your parents you read this in a free magazine or we are dead.