52,000 years ago we were all Negroes. Then white people went north and Asians went to the Mongolian desert. White people became normal-looking because they needed to make the most of what little sun there was (humans get most of their vitamin D from the sun). Asians became squinty-eyed because it was so windy and bright in the desert they were squinting all the time. White people’s noses had to shrink because the big ones were getting frostbitten (wide nostrils are good near the equator because it’s easier to breathe the hot, humid air). Nobody knows why whites developed “spaghetti hair.” Some Asians went to Korea where their faces became less round and they grew taller and then some Koreans went to Japan where they became short and their features became even more angular (no idea why). A whole myriad of kind-of-white / kind-of-black people emerged all over the equator, but who knows how many?

Asians are pretty cool. Only half of them can handle booze but they all have perfect toes. Some of the older Chinese people can be really mean when you’re just asking a simple question but that’s just because they are a more confrontational culture. Like the Jews or the French they are just arguing and you shouldn’t take it personal. The Chinese refer to white people (Americans mostly) as “fat and sentimental,” which is basically true. Japanese people are basically the best race. The women are babes and the men are incredibly smart. Want a computer invented? Ask a Japanese guy. Want to see a babe? Ask a Japanese lady.

Blacks tend to have sickle-shaped blood cells, which is fine in hot temperatures where your blood is thin but can lead to trouble in colder places where the thicker blood cells will stick to each other and cause sickle-cell anemia. Another thing about them is that their heels tend to be right angles instead of bulging out at the back like normal.

In 1974 John R. Baker broke down the Africans into two categories: Sanids (Bushmen) and Negrids. This is too complicated. There are way too many different kinds to understand. In America, for example, there are the hard-working, educated ones that are even better than white people. They do all the good things that good white people do but they are less hokey and can party. The bad American ones are fucking scary and are rarely discussed. Abroad the same pattern follows but more exaggerated. In Africa the nice ones are so educated they invent entire cultures. The bad ones, however, would eat the bad American ones alive. If you’ve ever seen how fearless a Zimbabwean gas attendant is during the night shift in the heart of Queens you know what we’re getting at. They are used to watching lions eat their friends so it’s like “bring it on.”

The rest of the places—West Indies, Barbados, Jamaica—are just fun-loving jolly people with rich and interesting accents.

Incidentally, mulattos have an incredible metabolism. The same way a purebred dog is a weak one, mulattos take the best of being white and the best of being black and make a person that is smarter and fitter. The only drawback is the increased metabolism means more B.O. (see any Lenny Kravitz party).

Here’s another weird thing. They have this rule where if you have a drop of black blood you’re black. That means Arabs are black. However, Arabs are Semites like Jews, so Jews are black? They became white after moving to Europe so I guess they’re mulatto.

These people used to be really cool but are basically fucked now. They used to only have to work 15 hours a week for food and shelter and therefore still love sleeping. Another interesting thing about them is that they have weird earwax. It is powdery and not waxy at all.

Soon there will be no American Indians because they will have been killed via disease and “culture smushing” by the white man (see bottom of chart).

These are basically Spanish Asians. That’s why they’re brown. Polynesians are the lightest of these tropical island people and Melanesians are almost black. So black, in fact, that they used to be considered abbos.