ICEinLAVA's Domain

After being married for 16 years (with children for 13), with a number of relationships prior to marriage, I have become somewhat of an expert on the subject of trying to maintain a solid audio/production career and relationship at the same time. Therefore, when a younger coworker told me he had gotten divorced, I astounded him by telling him all of his wife’s complaints and reasons for ending the relationship. He looked at me as though I were Edgar Cayce speaking to him from The Psychic Network Channel, but the truth is that his sad story is one that I’ve lived, or heard before, and seems to be quite common in our business.

Without trivializing my coworker’s relationship or my own, it seems that there is a list of often-heard complaints that are voiced by our significant others in regard to our line of work and the effect it has upon the relationship.

Usually these complaints are received as a personal affront, and trigger an argument that is seemingly without resolution. Our mates and dates see us as uncompromising in our ability to change, and we can’t figure out how they can be so unreasonable as to ask us to change. Possibly we should just hand out cards at the start of our relationships that state our case right from the beginning, thereby leaving no room for misunderstandings at a later date. Although this sounds perfectly practical and logical, I’m sure that it wouldn’t change a thing regarding our mates’ view of it all, but here is how my card would read.

I know what I do might not appear to be a real job, but it is.
Sometimes when I’m working it may seem as though I’m just hanging out, but I’m not.
If I’m gone for 16 hours of the day, it’s not because I’m trying to avoid you or don’t care about you, but because in my line of work a production call is usually a minimum of 10 to 12 hours.
Unfortunately, I may have to work nights.
I may have to work days as well.
I am not just drinking and hanging out with my friends... although I would like to be.
I work at many big social events, but my life is not one big party.
I never wanted a 9 to 5 job in a regular type of business and I won’t want one later.
No matter how smart you think I might be, I definitely don’t want to become a lawyer.
By the way, I will probably have to work every major holiday... even New Year’s Eve.
When you met me, it was during a show, so it seemed that my job was glamorous and fun, but you always went home before the load-out.
I like my work, so please don’t try to make me feel guilty about what I do.
There are plenty of people who hate their jobs... you could always be with them if it makes you feel better.
Don’t be jealous of all the exotic places I visit. I don’t get to see them anyway... most of the time.
I sleep late into the day because I get home in the wee hours of the morning.
You are attracted to me because I’m different and somewhat of a maverick, but you’ll learn to hate that later.
I go on the road because tours pay well.
I will stay home when I don’t have work.
It’s not that I don’t enjoy being home... it’s just that I don’t like being out of work.
This is the only job I can do... I have ADHD.
Yes, I need to have all this electronic gear around the house and it’s in a million pieces because I’m fixing it.
Just because my road case has pictures of naked members of the opposite sex hanging inside doesn’t mean I sleep with them... anymore.
My road case didn’t bother you when your picture was hanging in it alongside the others.
Most likely we’ll never have enough money... especially if I have to cut back work to spend more time with you.
Don’t ask me to make a choice between my work and you... you might lose.
If you think you’ll want a different type of person later, don’t marry me now.

I like the work that I do and while I am being a bit glib, I have to admit that I enjoy being married and raising my kids, and after nearly 16 years of marriage, I have realized that the balancing of job and family is a work in progress made possible only if both parties agree to find a happy medium. In general, I find it to be true that men define themselves more by their jobs and women by their families, but don’t hold me to that, as I know many women in our field who have their own share of relationship woes. Let’s face it, guys, all macho posturing aside, very few of us want to end up being old road dogs traveling around the country doing one-nighters and living on a bus with 13 other hard drinking, chain smoking crew members. Being away from home for long stretches at a time only to be scrounging for work in the off months can make it hard on any relationship, and it takes a special type of person to accept this kind of lifestyle. On the other hand, sacrificing that New Year’s Eve paycheck once in a while for the sake of your family has its own rewards. Remember that very few people, while recounting their lives, have ever said, “My only regret is that I didn’t spend more time working.”